It's been a while!

 Almost seven years to be exact! Wow, what a ride it's been. My kids are both young adults now (ages 21 and 19). My last post was when they were 15 and 12! We have moved twice in that time, living in 3 different states and settling in the Pacific Northwest. 

Solo parenting continues to be a daily adventure. I like to think that kids don't magically become adults the day they turn 18. I think it's sad that society kind of expects them to. Their brain isn't fully developed until they are 25 or 26!

Social Media and Community

Recently, I took a short hiatus from using social media. Which, for me, is just Facebook and Instagram. I wanted to take some time to go inward to figure some things out about myself. I'm a very busy person with two kids to care for, a full time job that has demanded a lot of overtime lately, and still acclimating to a new home. I was starting to question why I felt the need to share things on social media and trying to remember what life was like before social media. I am a normal person with hardships and triumphs that occur daily. But I rarely post anything about the hardships online. Only the triumphs. I have done this consciously, in an attempt to only spread positive vibes into the world and not contribute to any negativity or venting. Plus, I prefer to keep that stuff private and deal with it within my family.

In my short search for answers, I came to see just how lonely our society has become. Many have become addicted to the constant need for reassurance in the form of a bling from your phone or notification message. Letting you know that others are there and you're not alone in the world. But in reality, we are so much more alone than we ever were before. This act of being social through our online networks leads us to believe we have so many friends and associates, but we rarely make time to meet with these people. It's almost as if our world wide connecting abilities, which is really amazing when you think about it, have made it so easy to make random friends all over the world. But has led us to alienate the people who are right here in our own towns. I like to find a balance with the awesomeness of technology and the reality of life where we physically are. Which is very hard to do! You could stay online all day for a year and still not see everything there is to see. It's overwhelming when you think about it.

I have been making an effort to be more present when I'm out and about in town. I look up, I watch people, I listen to their conversations. A little creepy, I know, but I've been blown away at how disconnected everyone is. At least in Southern California where I have moved to. Everyone is looking down at their phones or have their earbuds in. Almost a bright, blinking sign that says, "DON'T APPROACH ME". Eye contact is rarely made and when I have made eye contact, it seems to make people uncomfortable. And if it's a male person, it seems to mean that I'd like them to pursue me romantically. Which is not the case.

I've spent my fair share of time doing the online dating thing, I blog, I have a Facebook and Instagram account, I tried Twitter for like a day, I have a YouTube channel to share funny videos with and I've done meetup.com. In all of my time using these outlets, I've come to a definitive conclusion...it's all a very individualized form of people watching.

So if you're feeling lost in the world, step outside and attempt to connect with a human who lives in your area.

Raising kids today...how do we teach self soothing skills?

I've always said, raising children is a lot like being a leader who can choose to lead his/her people in a positive or negative way. It's a little, ok a lot, like mind control. Our kids mimic our behavior, rely on us for support, look up to us with unconditional love regardless of whether we are saints or sinners. We have the power to set them up to be prepared for life or to be complete idiots. In the old days, I feel it was much simpler, even though I know life was harder in many other ways. There was a very linear way of life. Parents told you what to do, you listened. The world was very much contained to the home and town in which you lived. There were a set of rules that you followed and you knew what would happen if you didn't follow them. Many didn't question what was asked of them or told to them. That is not to say there weren't people who bucked societal norms and questioned why. These were usually those who changed history and the world as we know it.

Nowadays, kids are not limited to their home and town. Raising kids is not linear. We have both parents working outside of the home, single parent households, same-sex parents, the internet opens the world up to children from their home. We live in an amazing time! But we have to figure out how to support our kids with all of these added influences. I see a lot of people who are waking up to the realization that things don't change if we continue to do things exactly like our parents. I've met a lot of people who have taken the time to research the past and find the negative repetitions and consciously make changes to avoid making the same mistakes with our own children. In a sense, learning from our history by not following in certain footsteps. I don't think this is a new concept, I just think that it has been a rarity in the past and is more openly talked about in this day and age.

I have struggled with how to teach my children to be empathic and emotional, but not let it consume them and not let it put them in dangerous situations (being taken advantage of). How do we teach our kids to moderate their empathy and emotions? They don't have the experience in life to know when to let things go and how to manage their emotions. I think the answer is helping them to figure out what they need to be ok on their own, while still being available as backup support.

In my personal experience, I was hell-bent on doing things different than my parents. In retrospect, I realized that in one aspect of my mission to break the "cycle", I may have gone too far and done my children a disservice. Growing up I felt very much on my own. I had to figure out a lot about life without much direction. I was often thrown into situations and expected to figure it out. Which, I admit, has made me extremely self sufficient and able to handle hard situations. But as a mother, I've wanted to give my kids more and help them avoid being ill prepared for certain situations. So I've been right there with them to go through every hard situation. Well, I think it backfired a little. By always being there for them to fix their problems, they (my son mostly) haven't learned the coping skills needed to self soothe, to see that something sucks and figure out how to be ok with it and resolve the problem on their own, or at least try to solve it on their own before coming to me. I've been working on some exercises with my son to try to help him gain the skills he needs to handle situations in his life and in his head. I say "in his head", because my son struggles with depression. My son is extremely hard on himself emotionally. He's what you would call a people-pleaser who tends to give too much of himself and then realize it too late. He hasn't learned the skills of self soothing. Up until this point he has relied on me to sort through it. Which I've been more than happy to do of course, but that is setting him up for failure in life.

I started doing something to attempt to help him learn the necessary skills to manage his emotions a while back, that thing was gratitude. When he was really upset at himself and falling apart emotionally, I'd pull him to the side and ask him to make a list of 10 things he's grateful for. Then we'd go through each item on the list and I'd ask him to tell me why he's grateful for those things. By the time he's on #10 of the list, his mood is always lifted. But this tool is still too reliant on me to walk him through it. So I've started something new. I had a talk with him about how upset he gets. I let him know that I love him and that I want him to be able to help himself when things get hard. I also let him know that I'll always be here for him, but I can't be by his side all day, every day. I let him know that it's important for him to learn how to make himself ok so that he can be empowered enough to feel like he can handle daily life. I let him know that there are certain things that people do to "be ok". I gave him some examples so he could relate. I told him that when I'm feeling overwhelmed or sad that I like to go for a walk, watch a movie, listen to music, call a friend, read, etc. This helped him put it into perspective and give him an idea of what I meant. I let him know that when he got so upset that he would start being mean or taking it out on his sister and myself, that I'd be asking him to think about what he needs to be ok. I ask him to go to his room to think about it and to come back down when he's figured it out. So far, it's been working. He's been feeling more empowered and in control, while still feeling supported. I think by teaching him these skills more directly, it will in turn give him the skills to know his own limits.

After reading this, I could see how someone would see me as a helicopter parent (one of my biggest fears) and see my son as completely helpless. I want to clarify that he's a great kid. This post magnifies one aspect of who he is and doesn't define him. He's a thoughtful, dynamic and responsible 11 year old for the most part.

Single parenting in the technological age...

It's a new year today. 2015 is here! We have been living in our new home, in a new town for almost 5 months now. I struggled with technology and my teen where we used to live and I became very strict with her allowance of technology time. I won't let my kids have phones. I do have some prepaid flip phones for them to use if I need to be able to reach them. My daughter has an iPod touch and my brother bought the kids an iPad to share for Christmas. We have a laptop that I deemed mine, but they are able to use it when needed.

My teenage daughter has shown a lot of maturity and responsibility as of lately, so I have allowed her to have her iPod on a daily basis (I used to keep it and only let her have it when she earned it for a set time). She is not allowed to take it in her room, but it helps her keep in touch with friends and with  me when I'm at work. The new iPad has caused so many issues (not getting chores done, fighting over it, etc.) that I took it away directly after Christmas. As of yesterday I started bringing it out to be used in exchange for chores and good behavior.

Last night my daughter begged me to go to a friends house for a sleepover. I agreed. Early this morning I got a text from her dad (who's account she has her iPod under) telling me that her friends parents weren't home and that she was texting about drinking alcohol. I was livid. I texted her that I'd be coming to pick her up as soon as she woke up. She said she was joking, but I can't be sure of that. And I don't think as a 14 year old, joking about drinking and doing drugs is mature and responsible.

Once I picked her up I had a long talk with her. Here's the jist of what I said...we don't live in a time like I had growing up. She says she was joking in her text to a friend, but I told her that's not any better. What you put online or send via text or email is out there forever. You have no control over who will share the information. And there are dangers out there that didn't exist when I was her age. Predators online waiting for you to become vulnerable. Predators posing as friends on social networking sites.

I told her that being a single mom working full time, I don't have time to monitor her actions online. I sat down with her iPod when we got home and I was appalled at some of the things she's been writing with friends. If I had known these conversations were happening, I'd have had talks with her sooner. So until then, it's a technology free household. I told her that sadly, these days parents who have the time and money either monitor their children all the time, or they let them go unmonitored and kids get away with some things that can put them in danger. I am forced to trust my daughter. Which is the way I'd prefer it. So until she can build up the trust she broke by not acting responsibly and maturing with technology, then she will not have access to it and she will be forced to use our land line and actually talk to people in person at school. I told her that people will most likely scoff at my actions and tell me to get with the times. But I want her to go out into the world prepared to act responsibly and maturely in person and online.

Raising boys

**I wrote this a year ago and just now found it sitting in my drafts. We have since moved to the place where my family lives which I spoke of in this post. Posting now.

I decided to open a book this morning that I've had for a while, but haven't really taken the time to sit down and read in depth. The book is about how to parent boys. Being that I grew up without a father figure around on a regular basis and that I spent most of my childhood with other girls (siblings and mother), I feel I still have a lot to learn about the male species. My older brother moved away when I was in third grade and my younger brother was 10 years younger than me, so he was always kind of the baby. I left home when he was only 8 years old. My predicament, as of lately, has to do with my 10 year old boy. He is starting to go through puberty and he's an anxious person naturally. I, as a single parent with no support from his father in parenting him, am noticing his tendencies to push boundaries using anger, sarcasm, pushing people away emotionally, and physical force.

All of this is happening simultaneously as I am learning how to deal with a 13 year old daughter who is struggling through the ups and downs of being a teenager in the throws or puberty. She is realizing she's a late bloomer who isn't developing as quickly as other girls at school, but is still dealing with the emotional ups and downs of hormone fluctuations.

So back to this morning...this book I decided to crack open again, which interestingly I didn't find helpful 2 years ago when I bought it, talks about the significance of "belonging" to a boy. The need to belong and be a part of something (in this case, a family). I think this is something that is true for everyone, but apparently it is extra important to boys. This is something I've known has been an issue for my son for some time now. I have tried to provide this place for him in so many ways, but he still feels, or rather seems, lost and looking for that belonging. In his case, I believe he feels he will find it in a man who decides to take on the role of step-parent to him. He often references my last relationship as "the guy who was good enough". He is very skeptical of men and how they interact with him and is searching for someone to be his father now that he is aware that his own father is not able to meet his expectations as a father. And his expectations are not high. He just wants someone to be kind to him, accept him, genuinely care about him and be a part of our family while being able to lead him as a role model. In a way I feel helpless in this situation. I am not trying to avoid a relationship, but I'm not going to jump into one for the sole purpose of giving him a dad. Another piece of helplessness stems from the fact that I have consciously settled in a place that is far from any of my family. This place I've chosen is a good place to raise kids, but it keeps us from family. All of my family lives in an area that ,due to cost of living differences, seems unattainable to me. So as I work hard to provide them with a solid home life where I can afford to put them in good schools and live in a decent house, I'm keeping them from family at the same time. They do have family here on their father's side, but my son has not felt accepted by them even though they try to include him. He tends to feel like an outsider around them and often does not enjoy his time with them. I can't tell if he's purposefully keeping them out, because they try very hard to include him, or if he honestly believes they don't want him there.

The boy who could make everyone laugh, except for himself.

My son is depressed. I've spent years telling him that he doesn't need to be down because we have such a good life. I've often felt as though maybe it was the circumstances that brought on the depression. He is small for his age and often bullied for it, he lives with myself and his sister which he thinks is TERRIBLE. But he is the class clown. He can make anyone smile. He goes out of his way to make others laugh and to make them feel better if they are down. He's a natural entertainer who does acrobatics, impersonations, and tells imaginative stories to gain the attention of anyone within ear shot or view.

I just moved him across the country to be in a warmer climate that is closer to my family. I've bought him everything that I've known he's wished for as a reward for his helpfulness around the house, within reason. He has had to start yet another school as the new kid, which he always looks forward to until it happens and he realizes he has to start over. Understandably.

I believe in following open doors, within reason. And every door where we used to live closed, as every door to move closer to my family opened up. But this meant moving a child who was depressed across the country, into a new school, and into a new family dynamic that he didn't know. I wasn't prepared for this. And now he's lower than he's ever been and I'm not grounded in our new home yet enough to be the rock he needs.

I'm having to come to terms with the fact that nothing I do can change that and telling him he's got it good is only making him feel guilty for being depressed. Mental illness has crept into my family and I've never felt more helpless as a parent.

Parenting kids who are going through puberty and its challenges...

Today I am trying to come up with solutions to my sons puberty induced outbreaks of emotions (which show up as anger and physical outburst) while still letting him feel like he's in control to a certain degree. I don't want to completely emasculate him, but want him to know he has to know the limit.

I picked up a book this morning about how to raise boys that mentions the fact that American society as a whole lives at a pace much faster than in the past. Families are not spending as much time together. Nobody really talks anymore, outside of technology devices (I am thankful for technology, don't get me wrong, but it is a problem for some). Parents are working outside of the home more and kids are in daycare for longer. Meals are rushed, which makes for less time to actually connect. The book states, "Multitasking is fine, unless parenting becomes just another task on the list of things to do."

As much as I'm working on finding a solution for my son, I can't help but think of American society as a whole and how broken it has become. I see parenting as an honor, a chance to make things better for the world and for them to be better off then I was. I am trying to produce two amazing people who can hopefully contribute to this world in a positive way. But I see so many people parenting because they have to, not because they want to. I didn't plan to be a parent when I did, but I took the responsibility in stride and seriously.

As I get older and learn more about other people and other ways of living, I am finding that even though we are all doing things that seem completely different, we all still have a lot in common. For example, I have a friend who has had military experience and no kids. But when I hear him talk about his time in the military it reminds me of my parenting style. I see similarities in how things are run on a daily basis. Another friend owns his own business. I can see similarities in how the business is run with several employees to my parenting style as well. This realization made me feel as though we are all geared towards finding a hierarchy no matter if you have kids or not, whether it's home life or work. Several situations in life require you to "parent" others in order to be successful as a leader. Or you will be required to be the "child" if you choose to be the one following. We need both in life. So I can see how my skills as a parent are helping me in other parts of my life and why I tend to strive to be the leader versus being led. Now to figure out how to instill this in my children and teach them to control their emotions so that they can work for them rather than against them.

I am still working on that part. To be continued...

It's ART mom!

 

In all the 10 years of his life, I think this is the most shocked I've been by something my son has done. And he was being completely sincere and innocent about an act that is linked with vandalism.

 

Here's what happen...I was in the house speaking to a security system salesman. My son was entertaining himself outside. He'd come in and out sporadically to get supplies for whatever he was doing. Our front door was open, so I could see a sliver of outside. I glanced over from the dining table to see some movement outside that caught my eye. I didn't believe my eyes at first. I had to ask the salesman if he could see what I was seeing. Yep, we were both seeing it. My son was TPing my huge Oak tree out front. And he was loving it! We both got up from the table and went out front to ask him what he was doing. "Christian! What are you doing?!" He looks over at me with a huge smile, "I'm making art mom!". I was flabbergasted. Speechless. I finally found the words to be a mom again, "Honey! That's great and all, but that is making a mess and can be confused for vandalism! You have to stop doing that! I won't be able to get all that down!" So he stops. I tell him to clean it up and go back to my salesman. Christian walks in with the empty toilet paper roll and plops it onto a sculpture he had made at school and said, "There! Now my sculpture is done." He was using up the toilet paper in order to use the roll for his sculpture! He had seen some kids TPing a house in a movie recently and figured it was a fun way to get rid of the toilet paper on the roll. It was torture not to laugh out loud.

 

 

Nasty!

My son was rooting through the fridge one day and he pulled out a container of turkey. He was horrified to find what he thought was really old turkey turned black. It was actually an avocado half that I had put in a reused turkey container. His face was priceless!

Just another Thursday night...

So we got home from running errands and I walk into the living room to find my son wearing a Target bag and my daughter wearing her sweater with her legs in the arm holes and her arms on her legs...making him a plastic jumpsuit wearing tween and an armless, hunched over teen. Life is never boring here!

Hidden child...beware...

We went to the store...my son tells me he "HAS to try something". I follow him as he's already run ahead of me. He's in the shelf with all of the toilet paper, rebuilding the wall of T.P. so he can hide in it.

If I hadn't been standing there taking the picture this poor old couple would have croaked. The old man looked at me and said, "Well your life must be pretty boring if you're taking a picture of toilet paper"..."Or you're in a commercial with it?" Then Christian moved. "Whoa! There's a kid in there!"

I'm not the only one!

 

 

I knew I wasn't the only one who felt this way...Oh the validation!!

 

 

 

 

The morning of a single parent...

I chuckle when I think about other people's mornings. I have no clue what they are like, but I, of course, assume easier than mine. I also chuckle every time I pick up my phone and read messages from anyone and quickly respond as I'm running around the house doing whatever I'm doing. And this is my choice to do this, it's not a burden. I put messages aside when I have to. I don't want people to think I'm avoiding any duties by responding. I'm more productive when keeping in touch with friends, oddly enough.

So here's my morning. Wake up at 6:30am...look at my phone for any notifications. Respond to any if I can. Go upstairs and wake up the boy. Go downstairs, turn on the lights in the kitchen and living room so he can get his breakfast started. Jump in the shower, have a morning conversation with my son as he pee's while I'm in the shower, with the shower curtain keeping us separate for privacy of course. Get out, go to the kitchen in my towel to help him start his breakfast because he wants a fried egg and I won't let him use the stove yet (it's a gas stove). We're out of eggs...Toast with Nutella it is. Get dressed quick while putting deodorant, perfume, moisturizer on my face and hair product on my hair to keep the curls from frizzing, earrings, bracelet. Snuck a peak at phone again...responded quickly to an email. My son is milling around as he waits for me and inquisitively asks, "Mom, would mornings be easier if you had a husband?" I laugh out loud and say, "Not sure honey...maybe." Move on to avoid getting too deep into that conversation with him. Cut open an avocado for my toast. Put his Nutella on his toast. Had him put his shoes on, open the garage (nearly at the door finally). Needed my tweezers for an eyebrow hair that was bugging me. Can't find them because my daughter steals them constantly. I run upstairs to her room (she's still sleeping, but has to get up in 5 mins). I wake her up asking where they are in her mess of a room. Can't find them. Oh well. Eyebrows will have to wait. Run downstairs. Put Avocado on my bread, wrap up my son's nutella toast and put a cut-up apple on top of his napkin. Grab my purse, water bottle for work, daughter comes downstairs groggy. Tell her I love her and give her a kiss. Run out the door. Christian is in the car buckled and waiting. Pass him his breakfast, he says thanks (this was new and nice to hear) and we back out of the garage. I stop for a moment before driving down the driveway to put on lipgloss and sunglasses and to make sure garage is closed since we've left with it open before and I will never do that again.

Driving to work we eat our toast while listening to the radio. First words from Christian are his observation of the traffic in the other direction. We go against traffic going to work and home, so that's nice. Then he yells "TRAIN!" as we see a train go by. I respond with "TRAIN!", which is a little something we do. More silence. I'm wondering how many people on the road looked over and saw my green toast and wondered what it was since avocados aren't a common breakfast food here. We get to the exit for his school and they are talking about Hank Williams on the radio since it's his bday and he would have been 90 today. They talked about how he died in his late 20's from drugs and alcohol. Christian hears this and has to ask more about it. We talk about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. Then Hank is played on the radio and Christian is amused by his voice. "He was 20 something? He sounds like he's a hundred!". We drive up to his school, we're on time...this is good. We have been on time each day so far this year! He jumps out, love you bye! Now I'm off to work which is only 5 blocks down the road. I pull in and sit for a sec in the car to look at latest emails, respond quickly. Grab purse, water bottle, keys and into work I go.

I get in and as soon as I put my purse down a co-worker is asking me about something that is totally logical and she knows the answer. My computer isn't even on yet. I help her to "talk it out" and all is well. She is considered "clerical", while I'm considered "Professional" in regards to pay scale, so she rarely takes initiative to do things just out of spite. Then another co-worker comes to me with a question about student activity accounts (which I manage fully) and she asks if I can join in on a conference call with the office coordinator from that school to sort it out. So off to an office to shut the door and do conference call. I get the whole story and it's an easy fix. Conference call done. I get to my desk and computer finally goes on. Then the phone calls start. Busy day for some reason with the phone calls. All easy fixes that I can help with. Then a third co-worker comes over to ask me about a deposit I made in Aug. It's in the wrong account due to some miscommunication, so I do a quick journal entry to fix it for her so she can move forward. As I'm going through my backup paperwork to get the proper code, I lick a paperclip by accident. This throws me into hysterics laughing and now I think I've lost it.

It's 10:30am and I am finally having my coffee. I was realizing that I am good at responding to emails, text messages, and other communications regardless of what my day looks like and I'm not a dork who sits on my butt all day at the computer or glued to my phone. I am really productive and being connected this way brings a smile to my face, which helps me through the day.

Vedgy

What's a Vedgy? According to my 10 year old son, it's a Vagina Wedgy. Yep, that's my son. Commence with laughter. I don't know where he picked it up. He says he made it up. If he did, I'm actually kind of impressed. If he didn't, then I'm shocked I've never heard it before. He says he made it up after the Prancersize video debacle. All that talk of camel-toes. He learned that word and apparently wanted something a little less animal and a little more plant sounding.

Here's a good one in case the story above didn't make you laugh.

Do people avoid being direct in all parts of the country? Or just here?

I was having a conversation about relationships with a  single male friend of mine recently. He was frustrated because he was told by a friend of a friend that she knew someone who would be perfect for him and then continued to set them up with communication information. He approached her online and, thanks to modern technology, he could see that she had read his emails, but she never responded. Days go by so he asks the person who set them up if everything was ok. She couldn't give any explanation as to why she hadn't responded, so he waited a couple more days. He emailed the women who set them up and told her not to worry about it and thanked her for trying.

Now anyone in their right mind can see that the woman obviously checked him out online and decided she wasn't interested....or she was busy....or she is seeing someone else. Either way you cut it, why is it so hard to just be straight with others?

My friend is not the first person that I've heard this happen to and I've experienced it myself. Sure we could just let it go, let it roll off your back. And normally I do. But in order to keep with the post topic, I digress.

Definately Perfectionist

After some deep thought and self exploration over the last few days, I've come up with an answer to my previous question. I'm not OCD...I'm a perfectionist. And don't be mistaken, I am not in any way suggesting I'm perfect, just someone who wants things to go smoothly and well. Because of this, I'm finding that I'm much too hard on myself. The trait of checking notifications within technology/social media is a symptom of this. My expectations of myself are uber high. I demand that I'm on top of everything in order to avoid disaster in any form. I realize that I don't hold these expectations for others. In fact, I'm extremely understanding when it comes to the faults of others. If someone performs below expectations, then I just pick up the slack.

This became clear to me the other day when I was forced to wear a bandage on my wrist after having a cortisone shot into my wrist in order to help some inflamed tendons. Unfortunately there is 2 days of agony preceding the comfort of the medication actually working. I wore the bandage in order to brace my wrist while I operated my manual transmission car and did normal daily activities. It hurt so bad I was nearly in tears most of the time. And I have a very high pain tolerance. My chores still needed to be done, so I continued on my day with our list of activities. My son wanted to go to the library to check out some books, we needed groceries, there was a prescription to pick up at the drugstore, and so on and so on.

A known fact about me is that people find me intimidating. Not in a scary way, but in a "wow, she's confident and knows what she wants" way. I've been told this by men who have tried to pursue me, women who are friends, and co-workers alike. Because of this, I've often felt a little like an outcast or fish out of water.

On this particular day I decided to take my wrapped arm, which I assume was perceived as a sign of weakness, and continued on with my day. I couldn't believe how many people approached me. Men and women alike. It's as if I let down a wall that I had been holding up and people finally felt as if they had permission to come into my circle.

I am only sharing this story because it was the wake up call I needed to see that I need to learn how to break down some barriers I have up in order to try to control everything and stop holding myself to expectations that are so high, that I can't ever meet them or if I do, I'm exhausted once I get there.

OCD? Or Perfectionist?

I had a thought tonight...I realized that, being that I'm completely connected to everything electronically, I can't seem to just let "notifications" go. If I see any notification, whether it be a message on the discussion board for school, a Facebook notification, an email, a voicemail....you get the point. I have to check it. Not because I'm so interested in what the message or notice holds, but so that the notification signal goes away! This thought is exhausting to me tonight because I'm tired, but still I check. I need to work on this. Seems like it might be time for a technology break.







Wise words.



Time for a  technology break.



Advice for me and many others.

Post-Vacation Blahs

We have returned from our 2 week adventure. It was a whirlwind of travel to Seattle, Bellingham, Vancouver, back to Seattle, the Big Island of Hawaii, then to Maui. I'm not sure I'd attempt a full two weeks with the kids on my own again, but we did make the best of it and tried to enjoy as much as we could while dealing with lack of sleep, anxiety in the kids involving meeting new people and the unknown of new places, and just the plain getting tired of being with each other 24/7.

We arrived home after 20 hours of travel that involved 3 plane changes and one delay. The kids did amazingly well for it being the end of the trip and the length of the travel time. We came home to a very hot house that we quickly cooled down with the A/C and we all passed out. We arrived at 9am on a Tuesday and had the day off, so I had planned it this way. I woke up midday to a horrible migraine. I'm guessing that the exhaustion, not drinking enough water and stress finally got to me. I quickly medicated myself and went back to sleep until it was gone. I woke again at 5pm and both kids were up. We went out to dinner and then it was back to bed!

I felt refreshed the next day and ready to jump back into work after taking my daughter to school for her first day, which was actually their 3rd day. She missed the first two days with the trip. I also would be starting school that day in the evening. I'm taking 2 classes this Fall semester. One in-class and one online. I was doing ok all day until I finally made it to that class...after running late and getting lost in the building. It was like a brick hit me in the head. And on top of it, it's Statistics! Not exactly the most exciting of topics. Although by the end of the class I had gotten my second wind once I realized how much work was going to be involved in order to pass the class. I'm feeling completely overwhelmed this evening after that class. I know I will be able to handle it all, but tonight I am feeling the effects of the trip and just can't put my energy into it. That will have to wait until tomorrow.

Moral of the story...keep trips with kids manageable by keeping the sight-seeing to a minimum. Have a plan, but don't plan to stick to it and be flexible. Take another adult on the trip if you can for the added emotional and physical support or plan to stay with friends/family who can help out and give you a break. Try to plan the trip when you know you'll have a few weeks to recover, not right before school starts!

One adventure is over, only to bring on a new one!

Get lost

My kids and I drove into Vancouver, B.C. yesterday. We spent the day with an old family friend and tooled around in the English Bay and Stanley Park. On our way back to the border, we lost our network signal on my phone, which was what I was using for GPS so we decided to just use the directions we had printed out from Google maps in reverse...this didn't work out so well. We got severely lost in a big city we didn't know.

After 3 hours of thinking we were on the right track and then realizing we weren't on the right track at all, we finally stopped at a gas station to purchase a map of the city.

My daughter and I took it in stride and had a blast being lost, while my son didn't so much. He was so frustrated that we couldn't find our way and kept getting mad at me for laughing about it. I ended up having to have a serious talk with him about life and how getting lost is part of the adventure. I explained to him that you can plan out your life as detailed as you like, but if you can't lighten up enough to enjoy the unplanned moments, then you'll miss out on all the stuff that real memories are made out of. I think he gets it now. I'm hoping we get lost again on this trip.

Great travel idea for kids...or small adults.

My son decided that it would be a great idea to bring his body pillowcase on the plane so he could have a blanket on the trip. At first I dismissed him, but after he insisted and his compelling demonstration I couldn't argue. It's a perfect blanket for traveling on a plane. He's basically in a cocoon. It worked wonderfully!

Body pillowcase in use.



And so begins our two week adventure...

We have embarked on a two week journey that we've been anticipating for MONTHS! Just a mom and her two kiddos, out to see the world (well a part of it anyway). I told my daughter that we were going half way around the world and her jaw dropped to the floor. She said, "Really???" I said, "Well, no. But at least an eighth."Either way, we're stoked to be on this whirlwind of a trip.

I have spent the last few days planning out the process of packing in my head. Trying to find the easiest, and least stressful, path through the mine-field of a task. I knew that I'd be working until the very last minute in order to prepare my department at work for being gone for two weeks. I knew I'd be drained from not being able to sleep with anticipation and thoughts of how I was going to make this all work.

So the packing is done. It went better than anticipated. I only freaked out twice. My good friend came to pick us up for the airport. She said, "I give you huge props. I don't know how you handle all this so well." Her words were validating and flattering since she had to witness us finish the process of packing with an extra bonus of losing my son's wallet as we had to leave the house. He was not leaving the house without that wallet and his $6.45. We had to tear all the bags apart to find it. And not only did we find it, but we found in the place that I hid it so it wouldn't get lost! A seriously funny family moment. There were cheers and laughter after an arduous search.

Waiting to board the plane



First stop: Seattle, WA

We arrived later in the evening and the kids are adjusting to their first night in a motel. The sheltered lifestyle we live is showing. It's not the worst of motels, but it's not a nice hotel. Somewhere smack in the middle. The kids reaction to hearing others in the hallway, smelling the lingering smoke in the room, and seeing the, not so beautiful view from our window was hilarious. We've been doing some talking about "real life" and how mom wouldn't pick a hotel that isn't safe. The kids seriously thought we might be in danger staying here...and it's really not that bad! We will wake early to pick up our rental car so we can drive out of he city and north into some beautiful areas including Bellingham and Vancouver, BC.



A sense of humor...so important.

Sometimes when things are busy and challenging, it's hard to remember how important it is to have a sense of humor. I've been known to have a great sense of humor, but also get caught up in the humdrum of daily life at times also.

I had a friend remind me that it's ok to have a sense of humor, even if it's can be construed as "weird", "raunchy", "twisted", or any other label that might be used by someone who is unhappy in life and offended by your awesome sense of humor.

There is such a thing as too nice.

 

As I've gotten older, I've realized that it is possible to be too nice. In the past it was the cause of much exhaustion for me. I overextended myself all the time, gave too much of myself physically and emotionally. I'm starting to see this same trend in my younger child, my 10 year old son. He has admitted that he wants to make everyone happy. His actions reflect this as well. He tries too hard. He tries to predict what you will want done in order to be helpful and hopefully happier and then goes for it. Often leading to more frustration because the help was not needed, wanted or was done wrong.

 

It just breaks my heart to see him try so hard and often times have it end in him feeling bad about what he did, even though what he was doing was with all the best of intentions. So I've been trying to figure out how to talk to him about this in a way that helps him understand that being nice is a good quality to have, to a point. I don't want him to grow up overextending himself and getting taken advantage of. I also want him to be able to be true to himself and not think I am telling him that it's wrong to be nice.

 

He is an anxious kid in his own right. So I can see that he is working overtime in the "nice" department hoping to bring more "peace" to the household. As you can imagine, being the only boy in a house with a single-mom who's often under a fair amount of stress and a 13 year old sister can get a bit hectic.

 

I have been working on keeping the daily stress levels lower by trying to prepare for the weeks in advance (meals, supplies for school, activities, etc.). I've also started taking short walks with him after school/work with just the two of us. This gets him away from his sister for a bit and an opportunity to talk about our days. It's a stress reliever for both of us. Which, in turn makes for a calmer evening all around. I'm hoping that if I can provide a calmer house, then maybe the stress levels will drop and he won't feel the need to take on the job of making sure everyone is happy. After all, it's his job to be a kid.

 

 

 

Being pulled in three directions. How to deal?

Saturday's are a challenging day for a single parent. They are one of two days in the week that I don't have to go to work, the house and yard need my attention, and my kids get me the whole day. Often, the kids end up frustrated with me because I'm determined to get house work done. They can't seem to understand that if we get the work done first, we can use the rest of the day for time together. Simple idea right? I remember being a kid and not understanding this thought process at all. I feel like karma has caught up with me big time. Now my kids are me when I was kid.

What I've found, though, is if I can lure them outside with me to do yard work, we always end up having amazing conversations and get lots done, even I'm the one doing all the work and they're just watching and talking with me. Being in nature is magical.



Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?

This last week my daughter was camping with her grandparents and her cousins. My son had me all to himself for the WHOLE week. We had a wonderful time together. Note: This individual time with my kids never happens.

About half way through the week, he started to voice his feelings about how much he missed his sister. It was so cute. I was starting the miss my little princess as well.

We were anxiously awaiting her return today. Now if I could only find a way to remind my son how much he missed her when he's in the middle of an argument with her. Short lived, but a good reminder of our unconditional love, no matter how annoyed we get with each other.

Two steps forward, one step back.



How did I get here?

Ever sit down and realize how far you've come? I did this tonight. My 10 year old son and I watched "The Pursuit of Happyness" tonight. As I was laying in his bed for our nightly bedtime routine, I laid there thinking about how far I've come. The movie (if you haven't seen it) is the true story of the extreme struggle of a single father and how hard work and a "keep your head down and keep going" attitude can pay off. I can't say I have ever struggled to the extreme level that was depicted in the movie, but I have had my share hard times. Financially, emotionally, as a parent, etc.

Success is a relative idea. It could mean that you're finally living paycheck to paycheck instead of going further into debt each month. It could mean you're now making over 100K a year instead of 50K a year and are able to purchase that BMW you always wanted to park in  front of your fancy house with a white picket fence. It could mean that you finally passed your GED and can now say you graduated high school.

Despite my personal struggles, I've never felt the need to blame anyone for it. I've always taken my struggles in stride and as a challenge to prove to myself that I could make it. I may not be at the top of the successful spectrum, but I do feel I'm successful in my own right. As I laid there reflecting on the fact that all of my hard work is paying off, I was overcome with gratitude and pride. Which is a big relief because, as of late, things have felt very hard and challenging. But every now and then you need a good movie, song lyric, or friend, to remind you of how good you have it. I have a job that provides well enough for now. We are safe in our home that we own and I love my neighbors. I have found the strength to go back to school part time while still working full time in order to further my career. All this and raising two amazing kids on my own terms. In two weeks we will be sitting on a beach admiring the sunset only the Pacific Ocean can provide.

Life is good. I can't complain.



A little background...(ok, a lot)

I was the second oldest of 5 children. We all shared the same mother, but there were three different father's involved. At the age of 10 I became the second mother in the house and had a very large role in raising my younger siblings. I don't have any memories of living with my father and different men came and went in my mother's life.

You know that fantasy every kid has about what it will be like when they grow up?

My fantasy looked like this: I was going to leave the island that I grew up on (I had always felt isolated there), go to college to be something great, not have any kids until after I was 30 and no more than two at that. Both kids would be from the man I fell in love with and married before ever getting pregnant. I would have a successful career and be a loving mother and wife, while still traveling the world and keeping a strong pulse on the latest fashion and technology trends.

Here's what happened: At the age of nineteen I moved away for college. I couldn't afford to go to school full time, so I enrolled in a University part time and worked full time. Two years after living on the mainland (U.S.) I met a guy at work who offered to take me out for my 21st birthday. I was an awkward young lady and had never really dated. After our first date I was smitten. He was 7 years older than me and the older male figure I had been searching for my whole life (in hindsight I became aware of this fact). I became attached at the hip instantly. I know, the spokes-model for mental health right? At the age of 22 I found out I was pregnant. The father of the child turned out to be very manipulative, talking me into keeping the child despite the fact that we had just decided to break up. I was too young, and we were broke. I dropped out of college to work full time and then stay home after the baby arrived. Because I was determined to stay with the father of my child, we move back to the island I am from to be near my family. We decided it would be best to get married and, after 9 months on the island, we move back to the mainland to the Midwest where he is from. This is due to him having a nervous breakdown. At this point I'm ready to leave him for the umpteenth time, but his mental state is too fragile to do so (that's what I kept telling myself). I stayed with this man for 3 more years. In that time I started back to school at night, had a second child, and graduated with honors. By now our marriage is a full blown mess and we headed to marriage counseling. This is where I found out that my husband had something called "Borderline Personality Disorder" and the therapist told me that if I ever wanted to be happy, I needed to divorce him. He would not change. Over the years I had stayed because he would threaten to kill himself if I left. I'm such a nice person and didn't want that to happen, so I was roped back in with each threat. This therapist finally helped me see the severity of the dysfunction and I finally took the initiative to leave him.

So there I was at 28 years old. I had only been with one man my whole life. Single for the first time with two children under the age of 3. I would begin this journey with plenty of obstacles including, dealing with my own mental health issues as a result of being verbally/emotionally abused for 6 years, the divorce, my ex husband's mental health issues, having to start over financially and entering the work force to provide for my kids as a full time mom. This was the beginning of my new life. A life that would be a struggle, but not without a ton of reward. I am a strong woman. I have been through more than most and came out the other end a new, better person.

That was 9 years ago. As you can see, my fantasy did not become my reality but I remember those flippin' life lessons that I learned along the way and I'm grateful. I might still be a naïve, lazy, direction-lacking woman if I hadn't taken this path. My children changed my life for the better. I have worked hard for everything I have and it's starting to pay off. Good things happen to good people.

Day one...

And so it begins...Day one of my single parent blog. Where I will share our adventures, joys, downfalls, life lessons learned, life lessons not learned, funny stuff, sad stuff...you get the point?

I have been raising my kids alone for 9 years now. I have two wonderful children who are 10 and 13 as of 2013. I have had full custody of them since my divorce. I've been able to parent them without much of a fight from their father. But on the flipside of that, I haven't had any help either.

So we keep moving forward....sometimes backwards.