Raising boys

**I wrote this a year ago and just now found it sitting in my drafts. We have since moved to the place where my family lives which I spoke of in this post. Posting now.

I decided to open a book this morning that I've had for a while, but haven't really taken the time to sit down and read in depth. The book is about how to parent boys. Being that I grew up without a father figure around on a regular basis and that I spent most of my childhood with other girls (siblings and mother), I feel I still have a lot to learn about the male species. My older brother moved away when I was in third grade and my younger brother was 10 years younger than me, so he was always kind of the baby. I left home when he was only 8 years old. My predicament, as of lately, has to do with my 10 year old boy. He is starting to go through puberty and he's an anxious person naturally. I, as a single parent with no support from his father in parenting him, am noticing his tendencies to push boundaries using anger, sarcasm, pushing people away emotionally, and physical force.

All of this is happening simultaneously as I am learning how to deal with a 13 year old daughter who is struggling through the ups and downs of being a teenager in the throws or puberty. She is realizing she's a late bloomer who isn't developing as quickly as other girls at school, but is still dealing with the emotional ups and downs of hormone fluctuations.

So back to this morning...this book I decided to crack open again, which interestingly I didn't find helpful 2 years ago when I bought it, talks about the significance of "belonging" to a boy. The need to belong and be a part of something (in this case, a family). I think this is something that is true for everyone, but apparently it is extra important to boys. This is something I've known has been an issue for my son for some time now. I have tried to provide this place for him in so many ways, but he still feels, or rather seems, lost and looking for that belonging. In his case, I believe he feels he will find it in a man who decides to take on the role of step-parent to him. He often references my last relationship as "the guy who was good enough". He is very skeptical of men and how they interact with him and is searching for someone to be his father now that he is aware that his own father is not able to meet his expectations as a father. And his expectations are not high. He just wants someone to be kind to him, accept him, genuinely care about him and be a part of our family while being able to lead him as a role model. In a way I feel helpless in this situation. I am not trying to avoid a relationship, but I'm not going to jump into one for the sole purpose of giving him a dad. Another piece of helplessness stems from the fact that I have consciously settled in a place that is far from any of my family. This place I've chosen is a good place to raise kids, but it keeps us from family. All of my family lives in an area that ,due to cost of living differences, seems unattainable to me. So as I work hard to provide them with a solid home life where I can afford to put them in good schools and live in a decent house, I'm keeping them from family at the same time. They do have family here on their father's side, but my son has not felt accepted by them even though they try to include him. He tends to feel like an outsider around them and often does not enjoy his time with them. I can't tell if he's purposefully keeping them out, because they try very hard to include him, or if he honestly believes they don't want him there.